ADITYA NAVIN

WHY WORRY ABOUT VIRUSES LIKE COVID WHEN OBVIOUS-ITIS IS HERE?

I’ve encountered airline snacks boldly advising, “Consume contents after opening.” I always look around to check if fellow passengers are munching on unopened packets, though I’ve yet to witness such comical acts. Then there’s the esteemed Cosmo Xmas Gift Guide, suggesting we gift our pals doorstops because “almost everyone has doors.” I presume the inclusion of “almost” is for readers pondering gifts for undiscovered Stone Age tribespeople.

The epidemic of obvious-itis has infiltrated the realms of journalism, evident in an aviation report stating, “The crash occurred when the plane hit the ground.” Shocking revelation. And let’s not forget the headline that boldly proclaimed, “Death is nation’s top killer.” Groundbreaking journalism, indeed.

But perhaps the pièce de résistance of stating-the-obvious-itis is a party tips book by Pippa Middleton, distant royal kin. “Flowers are a traditional Valentine’s token, and red roses are the classic symbol of romance,” she imparts. “It’s basically advice for people who are at that stage after a serious brain injury where they know how to walk and talk again but can’t remember how to do normal, everyday things,” one reviewer wrote. The internet responded with a plethora of Pippa-style “pro tips,” like: 1) “You can extract refreshing and nutritious orange juice from oranges.” Mind-blowing, right? 2) “Save time by doing things more quickly.” Eureka! 3) “Taming unruly hair is best achieved with a haircut.” Astounding!

Restaurants have also fallen victim to this affliction, with waitstaff now theatrically inquiring about my empty plate as if I might’ve hidden a second dinner. No, dear waiter, I haven’t finished; I’m planning to consume the plate next.

Those affected by obvious-itis likely take “Top Tips,” the marvelously dysfunctional advice column from Viz magazine, at face value. Case in point: “Save money on personalized car plates by changing your name to match your existing plate: Mr. KVL 741Y.” Genius. Absolute genius.

As I entered my friend’s house for their birthday, a thunderstorm soaked me to the bone. “Is it raining outside?” No, it’s just my new fashion statement—a soggy suit. Alas, even the wittiest among us can slip up. An online user once shared how she was pulled over by the police on the highway. “Is this your car?” asked an officer. Deadpan, she replied, “No, I stole it.” It took her an hour to convince them she was joking. Hence, a fresh pro tip in the style of Pippa: “When detained by police, refrain from confessing to major crimes you haven’t committed.”